SEOUL, South Korea — President Trump’s trip to Europe was truly historic.
He
left our most important allies there so uncertain about America’s
commitment to their security from Russia and to shared values on trade
and climate change that German leader Angela Merkel was prompted to tell
her countrymen that Europe’s days of relying on America are “over to a
certain extent,” and therefore Germany and its European allies “really
must take our fate into our own hands.”
No U.S. president before had ever put a crack in the Atlantic alliance on his inaugural tour. Historic.
Merkel
is just the first major leader to say out loud what every American ally
is now realizing: America is under new management. “Who is America
today?” is the first question I’ve been asked on each stop through New
Zealand, Australia and South Korea. My answer: We’re not the U.S.A.
anymore. We’re the new U.A.E.: the United American Emirate.
We
have an emir. His name is Donald. We have a crown prince. His name is
Jared. We have a crown princess. Her name is Ivanka. We have a
consultative council (Congress) that rubber-stamps whatever the emir
wants. And like any good monarchy, our ruling family sees no conflict of
interest between its personal businesses and those of the state.
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So
any lingering Kennedyesque thoughts about us should be banished, I
explained. Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that
we shall pay no price, bear no burden, meet no hardship, support no
friend, oppose no foe to assure the success of liberty — unless we’re
paid in advance. And we take cash, checks, gold, Visa, American Express,
Bitcoin and memberships in Mar-a-Lago.
The
Trump doctrine is very simple: There are just four threats in the
world: terrorists who will kill us, immigrants who will rape us or take
our jobs, importers and exporters who will take our industries — and
North Korea. Threats to democracy, free trade, the environment and human
rights are no longer on our menu. Therefore, no matter how unsavory you
are as a foreign leader, you can be the United American Emirate’s best
friend if you:
1.) Pay us by buying our weapons. I warn you, though, Saudi Arabia has set the bar very high, starting at $110 billion.
2.)
Pay us in higher defense spending for NATO — not to deter Russia, which
is using cyberwarfare to disrupt every democratic election it can, but
to deter “terrorism,” something that tanks and planes are useless
against.
3.)
Pay us in trade concessions. And it doesn’t matter how lame those
concessions are. All that matters is that Emir Trump can claim
“concessions.” See the recent “trade concessions” to Trump from China.
(Pay no attention to that laughter from Beijing.)
4.)
Pay us by freeing any U.S. citizen you arrested on trumped-up charges
to annoy Barack Obama and to intimidate human rights activists. See
Egypt’s President Abdel Fattah el-Sisi’s release of a U.S.-Egyptian charity worker, Aya Hijazi, who was working with homeless children.
5.)
Pay us by grossly flattering our emir about how much of an improvement
he is over Obama. See President Rodrigo Duterte of the Philippines and
Bibi Netanyahu of Israel.
6.) Be Russia, and you pay nothing.
Now,
if you do any one of these six things the United American Emirate’s
commitment to you — and it’s ironclad — is that you can do anything you
want “out back.” You can deprive your people of whatever human rights
you like out back. You can be as corrupt as you want out back. You can
steal as many elections as you like out back. Just keep the arms
purchases coming, the NATO dues rising, the phony trade concessions
flowing and the compliments gushing — or be Vladimir Putin — and
anything goes.
Too
harsh? Not at all. Being in Korea and seeing how much this country has
grown out of poverty over the last 50 years by adopting all of our
values — so much so that it just impeached its president for corruption
after a peaceful “candlelight” mass protest based entirely on American
democratic software — it makes you weep to think that virtually the only
thing Trump’s had to say about Korea is that it’s a freeloader on our
army (not even true) and needs to pay up.
Does
Trump have a point that German economic policies have dampened its
imports and disadvantaged southern Europe? Yes, he does. And NATO
members should fulfill the alliance’s long-term spending targets. But
how much is Germany spending to absorb one million Syrian refugees so
they won’t be joining ISIS? How much security is that buying the world?
The U.S. took 18,000 Syrians. Trump’s friend Putin took zero, but Trump
never thinks about such things.
It
took us decades to build the Atlantic alliance and it has brought us so
many tangible and intangible benefits in the form of security,
stability, growth and friendships. Trump could actually break it, not
just crack it.
This
week for the first time I saw the official photographs that now grace
the entry halls of all U.S. embassies. Vice President Mike Pence is
smiling warmly. Trump is actually scowling. If his picture had a
caption, it would be: “Get off my lawn.”
It
could also say: “Let all who enter this embassy know: We don’t do
alliances any more. We only do Master Limited Partnerships. Interested?
Call 1-202-456-1414. Operators are standing by.”
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